Meaning What You Say

I've never been one to say exactly what was on my mind.

I've always wanted to be that way. I know people like that, and I've always assumed that their lives were somehow less complicated because they didn't hold onto the regret that sometimes accompanies biting one's tongue.

But, instead, it has always been my nature to smile and keep my thoughts to myself where they could inflict no harm.

Of course, there are occasions that required a response, or situations where remaining silent would have negative consequences--for me or someone I love. And in those instances I do not hesitate to speak up. But those situations aren't the norm.

Having kids has made me a bit more vocal, for their sakes if nothing else. And I've always thought getting older would make me care less who I offended. But that's not really true.

I spoke up today about something nagging and irritating, something I would have easily dismissed with that smile and bite of the tongue ten years ago.  It wasn't a major injustice or wrong; but it was a personal injustice, one that spoke against my character and made me feel belittled and unappreciated. And no one should be made to feel that way.

So I stood up for myself.

At the time, it felt good to be brave. I was overcome with a heady confidence. It was the first step toward being the new less-accommodating, more-outspoken me.

Those feelings lasted a short while before the unfounded guilt set in. Oddly, though I was in the right, because the other party never accepted fault, my triumph was somehow significantly diminished.

It was never about being right and proving the others wrong; but I guess I hoped that, by standing up and speaking my mind, I might earn a well-deserved apology... or, at the very least, acknowledgment that I had stepped far beyond my comfort zone and the gamble paid off.

In the end, I didn't get any of that. And here I am, still worried about how what I said affected the other party when I'm sure I am the last person on that individual's mind right now.

At least I meant what I said; I will stand firmly by it.

And maybe one day this speaking my mind business will get easier - if only I can accept that my attempts to be true to myself won't always be met by truth from others.

Still Learning from Dr. Seuss

In 1960, Dr. Seuss wrote, “Children's reading and children's thinking are the rock-bottom base upon which this country will rise. Or not rise. In these days of tension and confusion, writers are beginning to realize that books for children have a greater potential for good or evil than any other form of literature on earth” (Philip Nel's Dr. Seuss Bio).

And how relevant those words still are, fifty years later!

Dr. Seuss has always been rather influential in my life. I learned to read with Dr. Seuss, specifically Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat. When I turned seven, I received the Dr. Seuss book A Book about Me; it is a book I still have (and Aleigh has one waiting for her now, too, as will Abree when she is old enough). At my junior high graduation, our principal read Oh, The Places You’ll Go! And a dear friend gave me a copy of the same book when I graduated college.

Dr. Seuss was a staple growing up in my house, and his books have found their place in my children’s hearts as well—for great reason: Dr. Seuss presents the most important life lessons in the simplest of terms.

Not a fan of the food on your plate? Try it and you may just love it, Green Eggs and Ham encourages.

Feeling insignificant and forgotten? Horton Hears a Who reminds, “a person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Uncertain about your path because you are the only one on it? Oh, the Places You’ll Go! reassures, “Alone is something you’ll be quite a lot.” And that’s okay.

Bored on a rainy day? The Cat in the Hat reminds that all you need is a little imagination.

In honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday and the fact that he will continue to inspire, teach, and encourage through the legacy he left, here are just a few of my many favorites:

“The more that you read, the more things you will know.

The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

– I Can Read with My Eyes Shut!

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

– The Lorax

“Oh the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

– Oh, The Thinks You Can Think!

“You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.”

– Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

"Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more."

– How the Grinch Stole Christmas

What are your favorite Seuss quotes or books? How do these simple yet powerful children’s books continue to inspire you and your families?

Dessert: A Lesson on Living

And this is the second reason I was so hesitant to start a blog: time! I don't have enough of it! I have a great amount of ongoing posts, and I'll be publishing them soon! In the meantime, here's what I started Wednesday...

I was in an oddly whimsical mood in my first class this afternoon, probably due to a lack of proper sustenance throughout the crazy-hectic day, and I didn't have a journal topic prepared like I usually... err... sometimes do.

I start all of my developmental classes the same way: the first ten minutes of class is dedicated to responding to a journal topic. I either pull the topic out of my head or I provide them with a famous quote about life, education, reading. You get the picture. In the years that I've taught developmental writing, I have come to the conclusion that the largest hurdle beginning writers must overcome is fear. Fear of putting their fingers to a keyboard and typing their thoughts; fear that they will sound stupid or their ideas won't make sense; fear that they'll be expected to write some masterpiece on the first attempt. Just fear. So, in an attempt to overcome this very real obstacle, they write. Everyday. And, believe me, they are not always comfortable with what they write. But, as you've probably guessed, that's the whole point. We tend to make the most progress, see the most change, when we are uncomfortable.

So, anyway, the journal topic I came up with, again, probably because I was hungry, related to students describing themselves as desserts. If you were a dessert, what would you be? To get the creative juices flowing, I encouraged them to think of ingredients, difficulty level, cook time and method, and, of course, knowing how college kids can be, I reminded them to keep it PG13 since I do have to read and assess their responses.

About halfway through their writing time, I added a simple statement to the bottom of the journal topic I had written on the board. It read, "Now, how is life like dessert?" Some students chewed their lips in contemplation as they stared at the addition; others, of course, heavy sighed. How dare she make this about life and not all fun and games! their frustrated scowls suggested.

I never really intended to make the topic more than just a fun, creative way to tell me more about themselves. But, as I listened to them typing, some frantically and others barely, I thought, life should be more like dessert! I don't know what conclusion any of them came to yet because I haven't read their responses, but I know what conclusion I came to as I sat there.

In my family, dessert was always a special occasion, mostly centered around the holidays. And, because desserts were reserved for special occasions, they were anticipated moments that were savored and remembered. At Thanksgiving, for instance, I can remember eyeing the dessert table and not even tasting the food on my plate, just hurrying through the meal so I could have my treat - one I would enjoy slowly, down to the very last bite.

When I think about how I have spent the majority of my adult life, I realize that I have always been anticipating the next moment and moving as swiftly as possible through the current one. When I was in college, I was just so ready to be finished with school. Now, what I wouldn't give to go back and listen in awe as the incredible minds that molded and shaped me imparted their wisdom once more. When Scott and I lived in Las Vegas, I could not wait to get back to Texas. Now, I find myself driving those old familiar routes I used to complain about in my mind, afraid that if I forget how to get from my old job to my old house, that means I've lost an invaluable piece of myself. I remember complaining that it would sometimes take hours to get my oldest bug to sleep at night; now, it breaks my heart that she doesn't need me to go to sleep anymore, though thankfully she still wants me most of the time.

Now, with two little girls who grow faster than I ever could have imagined possible and two dogs who grew white around the eyes at some point when I was too busy to notice and now both sleep harder and limp more than they ever have before, I find myself wanting to slow time. If I could just stretch out each hour... Maybe then I could play frisbee with Chloe and scratch Daisy's booty as much as they'd like me to. Maybe then I could read Where the Wild Things Are to my oldest 100 times instead of just ninety-nine times a day or just sit and listen to the rhythmic sound of my little one breathing instead of being pulled away by another responsibility that will never be accomplished if I don't do it while she's napping.

So how is life like dessert? Well, I guess, if we live it right, every second is savored, instead of just the high and low points being forever engrained in our memories. If we could hold on to every second, then we'd be able to travel to another time and place and relive those moments that seemed so ordinary at the time, savoring everything: the absence of responsibility we took for granted; the youth we will never be able to recapture; the friends and family who have since changed, aged, and perhaps disappeared from our lives.

And we'd be plump and happy, full of guilt-free, everyday slices of sweetness.

Taking a Leap - Starting a Blog

It is amazing how life can inspire in so many different, unimaginable ways!

I learned about the death of a friend from high school's father today, and I have been thinking about him, about life, and about death since I read his somber obituary. The news upset me. Not because I knew the man well or because I had even seen him but in passing in the twelve or so years since this friend and I parted ways. I think more than anything it saddens me because, in my mind, this man stayed the same man he was in high school, his daughter - my friend - the same girl. His death was a reality check to be sure.

So here I am, inspired by the death of a man I once knew, to do something I've been trying to work up the courage to do for more than a year. I'm starting a blog. 

So what, right? Who doesn't have a blog now days? Well, until now... this girl. 

Those who know me may be shaking their heads in disbelief right now, wondering where I am going to find the time and energy to manage one more "project," especially considering this particular project involves writing. I am a writer. I aspire to be a writer. It is my passion. A strong, raging passion that sometimes consumes me, as it rightly should. 

But it is a painstaking passion, which is why it is so difficult for me to commit to posting writing for all to see (gasp!) on a regular basis. When I have to write something others will read, I spend hours upon hours mulling over it, perfecting it, changing sentence order and rewording until I am satisfied that I am giving my readers the very best of me. 

But my friend's father's passing reminds me that life is too short. Entirely too short. My life is incredibly hectic, but when will it not be? Won't there always be papers waiting to be graded? Dishes and clothes waiting to be washed? Man is only given one shot at this living business, yet too many live for the next moment, wasting away the beauty that is today in anticipation of tomorrow. And I have no interest in being one of those people any longer. I never want to look back on life and see the word regret creeping into my memories.

So... what is this blog about? Little bits of everything! Experiencing life with my daughters, husband, and our furry family members; projects, crafts, and recipes from Pinterest, the greatest thing since... well... ever; teaching reading and writing, since that's what I do if I must claim just one main profession; and writing with all its inexplicable joys and heartaches.

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Tracy, my heart is heavy today and my thoughts are with you and your family.